A Young Woman Shares the Truth Behind Cigarette Addiction


I was gunning my S10 on the way back from getting Chinese for lunch today and I noticed gas is currently priced at $2.14 which reminded me today is Valentine's day. I know we aren't into hallmark holidays, but I thought I would extend this to you as a "just because" gift. You could even call it art.

What we have is that raunchy kind of love a mother warns about. It's fast and hard and addictive. My body is confused; you rape and disable, but my blood and mind require you now and I love you for your loyalty. Cigarettes have a reputation for not cheating.

We were introduced a hundred times but I never wanted to risk delving into a relationship. Anyway you were notoriously dangerous. I steered clear for a while but you were persistent.

"Give Drager a drag," Sean said.

And so we met for the first time. It was in December, in the park and I couldn't tell my smoggy breath from your exhaust and you couldn't tell my tears from your acid rain. I didn't cough and Sean said we belonged together.

No eyes meeting, no shy smiling, but after that it was instinctive. Tasting you was our only form of communication. And that was all I needed.

You've been there through thick and slim, between the moments of utter despair and loneliness, anger and neglect, and various stages of drunkenness. I dumped you a few times. I regret that now.

Because what is a relationship without compromise? You take my money and destroy my health and I use you for cheap therapy. What we have is not a healthy affair, but it is raw and authentic, something most lovers lack.

Everyone gives me shit about being with you. In the early morning when we step out onto the porch with my James Dean coffee mug filled too full and a filthy blanket I stole from back home, I catch my roommates'
disapproving glances. I put up with their sad lovers and their lack of commitment, their wayward affection.

I disregard them then. I smile and light your fire, slip you between my glossed lips and we are one. It is deeper than intimacy, more than anything sexual. We are simply one. We merge as the sun comes up and other couples are waking naked, in their most natural state, beneath their warm comforters. We merge in our most natural state, my internal organs meshing with your earthy quality and for a fluttering moment I know I don't want anyone else to have me. I know you own a portion of my heart and the bulk of my mind.

Who knows where this is going. I can't say we'll be together forever. But I know you will affect me for the rest of my life. And in the end I may give you, fully and without reserve, my heart.

-- Lindsey, Michigan